just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
