Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
