Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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