I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
