And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
