My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
