I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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