my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
