My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
