So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
