If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i am craving dick and cupcakes
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
