The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
