I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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