i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
