Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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