Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
