I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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