If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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