Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
