my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
