I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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