Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
