both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
