Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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