I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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