I want to have your abortion
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
