So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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