Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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