Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
