where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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