im drinking this country out of the recession.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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