Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
