Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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