just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
