Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
