I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
