Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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