atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Randomize
