Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We are two peas in an std pod
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
