sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
