South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Text me some of your sweat
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
