dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
