So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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