haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
