I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
