I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
