Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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