Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
