Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
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I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
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When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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