woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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