Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm way too hungover for life right now
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
