I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
