I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
