Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
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