i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
