i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
