I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
