sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
