I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
the night ended with taco bell and tears
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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