Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
