I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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