Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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