ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
