I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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