rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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